So here's the thing: I haven't been nearly as active on here as I intended to be - as I WANT to be. What is holding me back?
I woke up this morning feeling relaxed and at ease with my life and the world. I worked late last night and felt good about allowing myself the time to get out of bed slowly and watch the Office while I ate breakfast. I had a strong knowing when I woke up today that I wanted to create and publish a blog post (yes, I have some posts hiding in my drafts folder... 🙃).
And then all of a sudden, as if out of nowhere, I noticed an internal storm brewing and gaining speed by the moment. This tide of anxiety was strong and fierce, and I felt it quickly taking the wind out of my sails: how am I going to write something good, something from the heart, when my brain and body feel like they are under siege and my whole experience can be summed up with the expression of this 😣 emoji?!
Feeling totally out of sorts, I went out to my horses looking for salvation. I can't feel this way right? Please, help me get back to the easeful bliss and focus I felt when I started my day.
Something that I find particularly challenging when I experience anxiety is that my mind starts to chatter at 100 miles per hour. My thoughts don't even feel like my own in these moments. They run faster and faster and tend to take on familiar and similar loops and repetitions, growing in intensity until they are akin to a beehive inside my mind. It's a true feeling of constriction, one I know many people must be able to relate to when they feel fear.
And I think I have been encountering and bumping up against quite a bit of fear these past few months, since the New Year, really.
I decided to take a semester off of school, a decision that is feeling more and more like a permanent (well, maybe temporarily permanent, as I will never say never!) decision to drop out of formal post-secondary studies. I also jumped on board an AMAZING and totally ME international co-authored book project called Unlocking the Wisdom of Horses Within You.
You can find out more about it by clicking the link here: https://schoolofmotherearth.learnworlds.com/course/book-project-horses?fbclid=IwAR0Ty2eN2vJA8oBDSVwN0u2blcxwbYJi_9IeCjsyDOKgzPdx_7ypTHFYm3Q
So yeah -- I am writing a chapter for a book... that is going to be published... about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. Now do you see why I am scared shitless? 😂 It makes me smile to be able to be honest and just breathe into the laughter of owning that I am freaking scared right now. Scared of what's to come, scared of being seen! Scared of not having the right words to express myself and my story and my ideas and my hopes and my dreams. It just is. That is what is for me right now.
As far as progress on the book goes, right now everyone is writing their biographies for their profile on the project website. We've talked a lot in our author's group meetings about just surrendering and becoming a channel for the words that want to be written, for what wants to come through. A big theme of this project is Trust, which, now that I think about it, is probably why my brain is frying a little. But I have to believe that my heart put me here for a reason. This is a lesson I need deep, continuous practice in, because it doesn't come naturally to me (on a brain-level, at least). But it is a muscle I am willing to flex and grow because damn - who wouldn't want to feel more trustful and less fearful in every aspect of their lives? I guess that is why I am writing this all-over-the-place blog post - I'm trying to make room for that essence of peace and clarity by barfing up all the blockages and sticky points I can think of. And heck! This is my blog so I can write whatever the fudge I please on here (LOL - I am nervously sweating just thinking about myself having that much freedom!). Ha! But isn't that the process? The letting go? The unfolding?
We had our final group call in a 6 month program I'm a member of called the Whole Horse Apprenticeship this past Thursday, and one of the participants had a letter board in her office that simply said: Happiness is no longer caring what other people think.
A couple of the other members commented on it and we all nodded in appreciation of this simple, yet incredibly challenging motto.
I don't know where this leaves me other than to say that it feels hard and weird for me to create and share my writing online (on the Frick-frackin' internet!) where other people could see it, and judge it, and judge ME. I have a feeling that that is just a bridge we all need to cross, though, if we want to put our unique light into the world. So here I am. Please judge me if you must, but know this: I refuse to jump on the rabbit pile and judge myself alongside you because life is honestly just too short for that and I have SO many things I want to write and share and be open about!
I'm proud of myself for tapping out this jumbly post and I'm proud of you for all the times you've admitted you're scared and shown up anyway. 💗 Lord knows the world needs more of that.
With love and blushing cheeks (thanks in part to the gorgeous March sun we are having today!),
My biggest supporters - this blog is for them as much as it is for me! :)