I think the best thing to do as a writer is to write. Even if it is bad, or awkward, or uninspired, or even incoherent.
I think it's also the hardest thing, sometimes. At least that is what I have noticed for myself. I've been feeling the call to dedicate more time and intention and space for my writing, and yet I find days can go by and it falls to the bottom of my priority list. "Maybe when I am struck with inspiration, I'll write", I absent-mindedly think to myself . Or maybe when I find myself with a completely freed-up afternoon and nothing else to do.
But I don't want to be a part-time writer - this is what fills my cup up, and connects me to myself and to life around me.
Recently, I signed up for a four-week meditation program all about manifesting your dreams. The theme for Week 1? Clarity. As I listened to the teacher affirm that our visions were possible and ready for us to create, I was slapped in the face with the realization that this whole living your dreams thing is an active process. Here I was, naïvely attending the first session, thinking to myself that I was here to learn how to manifest. I realized all of a sudden that I had no inclination that I was actually here to manifest. Like, to do that sh*t right now. It was a such a fabulous, confusing, incredulous moment for me to sit in that and catch myself in the moment giving myself a version of the "Not today" un-pep talk.
It was exactly the kick in the pants I needed.
Coming into this program, I already knew that I have been in a frustrating pattern of "one day..." thinking (and as a result, behaving). It is something that I find has left me feeling quite hopeless this year, and with no real blueprint through which to find my way out. I realize I am doing things: working, riding, taking online courses, socializing for the first time in a long time... and all of that takes energy. And I know it's a lot, and enough. But I feel lacklustre. And certainly less than alive.
I sense and know that I am in a great season of change, of shedding. It can be hard to keep that faith though, and I can drive myself crazy wondering and wondering when things will feel different. One way this theme of change is showing up for me is through the horses (no surprise there, I suppose!) and my relationship to them in terms of what we do together. Sometimes, when we want to change but don't know what the end result or outcome of that shift will be, it can keep us rooted in inertia. We don't feel clear on where we want to go, so we stay where we are wishing it were different. This, in my experience, is a really painful place to be. Not only does it feel unmotivating and directionless, it is downright disempowering. The mindset that we need to know where we are going in order to take the first step keeps us locked in the status quo and trapped in our minds as our brains overheat trying to decipher a step by step protocol to a plan that isn't set in stone.
These days, I am doing my best to remind myself that dreams are important not because of what they inspire us to achieve, but because of the truth that they are so innately personal. And just like the human who imagines them, they are fluid and grow over time. This is natural and frankly, quite special. It is the dance between feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing, and knowing I already have everything I need inside of me.
I hope you're okay with having spent the last several minutes reading what is truly just a self pep-talk. But I warned you that I have to write, even if it's bad. And if you can relate, know that I'm cheering you on.
I can't promise I'll get back to regular horsey programming by the next post, but in my world it's all connected anyway. If the horse is the key that has revealed my soul to myself (which it is, in case you couldn't guess!) then everything that makes my heart dance and wonder and ache is an extension of the wisdom they've opened my world to. That is something to be hopeful about, right there, isn't it?
Indeed, today marks three years since I welcomed Ike home into my herd, turning the Elsie and Fara duo into a much more balanced trio 😂 I'm excited to publish a post soon about his story and what I've learned from him in the time elapsed. His medicine is a lot different from Fara's and is taking me in directions I could not have anticipated.
Until then, wishing you hope in your heart and faith in your dreams. We're in this together.
We celebrated our anniversary with a beautiful hack. I love this special boy. 💕